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What do you do when you have done everything and it still isn’t enough?
We talk about suicide a lot here at Bloom.
We talk about recognizing the signs, where to get help, we share quotes and infographics and stories. We hope we help… and I think sometimes we do, but what happens when it isn’t enough?
This week it wasn’t enough.
Some time on Wednesday, December 5th Brandon Tremayne got into his Black Nissan SUV and started a journey he had been planning for a while.
It was cold in New Jersey that day. Maybe if it had been snowing Brandon would have postponed his trip and everything would be different.
But it wasn’t snowing.
So on Wednesday, December 5th Brandon left his home, got in his car and started his journey… and so everything is not different.
It was a long drive, but Brandon didn’t notice. He stopped to get gas twice, but he didn’t talk to anyone. His cell phone rang a few times, but he didn’t answer it.
It was late when Brandon arrived at his destination. He knew people fished there – he used to love to fish with his dad when he was little – but he hadn’t cared about fishing for years. He knew people rafted and camped and celebrated life there, but he didn’t care about those things anymore. He also knew people died there, and that is why he was there.
If you have ever been to the New River Gorge in West Virginia you know about the bridge. It soars high above the gorge and from below gives the impression of touching the clouds.
It was cold and dark when Brandon pulled his car over, he was halfway across the bridge. He knew he had very little time before someone showed up, because this is where people came to die. Brandon climbed out of the SUV, leaving the doors and windows open and his cell phone and wallet on the driver’s seat, and in the early morning hours of December 6th Brandon jumped off the New River Bridge.
We don’t know when Brandon began planning his journey. Perhaps it was 2 days earlier when he said goodbye to his virtual video gaming friends and told them he was quitting forever. Perhaps it was 2 months earlier when he quit his job and told no-one. Or maybe it was when he started canceling his therapist appointments, refusing to take medication, or stopped attending family get togethers or answering his phone. But, it is more likely his journey began years earlier when a happy, loving 14 year old boy experienced depression for the first time.
Brandon battled depression and OCD until his journey ended on December 6th when he was just 22 years old. Brandon did not suffer silently or alone. His family knew he was in pain. They did everything they could to ease his pain, but it wasn’t enough. Because sometimes, no matter what you do, it isn’t enough.
Brandon is gone. He was not lazy or crazy or stupid or selfish. He was a smart, handsome man who had a family who loved him.
Every day we work hard to help moms who are suffering from mental disorders. We talk about getting help, erasing the stigma, creating resources, and stress that it will get better – and yet, we lost one of our family.
There isn’t a good ending to this story. I have struggled with a way to wrap it up neatly to make everything better. I can’t find a way so I will leave you with this:
Brandon’s pain didn’t disappear when he died, it was transferred – to his family. 1 in 4 suffer from mental disorders, but we are all affected… and this is why we will continue to fight here at Bloom. Get help, accept help, ask for help, give help because sometimes what you do IS enough.
If you are suffering or know or suspect someone is suffering please visit The Suicide Hotline or call 1800-273-8255.